Managing Compulsions and Obsessions

This page briefly describes a behavioral self-treatment program that can be used for dealing with compulsive and obsessive thoughts, urges and behavior. This approach has been shown effective in numerous studies conducted during the past twenty years for the treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), compulsive overeating, substance abuse, and pathological gambling. It is also thought to be helpful for compulsive sexual urges and behavior. Recent research by Schwartz and others at UCLA has demonstrated that this self-treatment program can also alter the neurochemical brain processes that seem to be associated with compulsions and obsessions. See also the page on this WEB site that deals more generally with Anxiety and the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders.

STEP 1: RELABEL

The first step is to learn to recognize your obsessive thoughts and compulsive urges as symptoms of a disorder. To do so, it is important to increase your mindful awareness of this pathological process at work. Some have referred to this awareness as the "Impartial Spectator" or the "Observing Ego", which is the capacity that resides in each of us to observe our behavior and recognize what is "real" as distinct from what is not real, or just a symptom. The capacity to distinguish between real needs and pathological symptoms allows us to fend off pathological urges until they begin to recede and fade. The goal of Step 1 is to learn to RELABEL intrusive thoughts and urges as obsessions and compulsions, and to relabel these assertively. It will serve you to refer to these urges in these terms - use the labels "obsession" and "compulsion". Train yourself to say, "I don't need or want to do this behavior; I'm merely having a thought that I need to do this." You must learn to recognize these intrusive, obsessive thoughts and urges as the symptoms of a disorder, and as such distinguish these from desires that are healthy for you to satisfy, and behaviors that will enable you to feel better over the long term. You must come to recognize these intrusive, obsessive thoughts and urges as symptoms that help keep the disorder in place. You might consider the urges you experience as similar to the irrational thoughts of the compulsive handwasher who believes that he must constantly wash his hands to be free of harmful germs and bacteria.

STEP 2: REATTRIBUTE

The essence of this step is to REATTRIBUTE your obsessive thoughts and urges to a disorder that involves the sending of false messages from your brain. It is important to not take your thoughts and urges at face value, and to remind yourself that "this is not me; this is my disorder at work." Research has demonstrated that individuals who develop obsessive-compulsive urges and behavior also tend to have certain brain areas (the caudate nucleus and associated frontal lobe structures) that are chronically overstimulated, which contributes to the intensity and urgency of obsessive-compulsive thoughts and urges. It is important to be aware of this underlying physiological process and to realize that it is impossible to make the thoughts and urges go away immediately. The important thing to realize is that you don't need to act on the urges. You don't need to listen to them. Don't take them at face value. They are false messages from the brain that are part of a disorder. The most effective thing you can do is to put the thoughts and urges aside and go on to another behavior. Do something else; trying to make the thoughts and urges go away will only create more stress, which serves to make the thoughts and urges more intense. The point is to not engage with the thoughts by either acting on them or trying to make them go away, but simply RELABEL and REATTRIBUTE them as symptoms of a disorder. Then move on to other things, as described in Step 3.

STEP 3: REFOCUS

This step involves taking action to refocus your attention to another subject. This ordinarily is the automatic work of the brain - specifically the caudate nucleus - but because the caudate nucleus is not functioning properly, this shifting of focus is something that you must do "manually". In REFOCUSING, the idea is to work around the intrusive thoughts and urges by shifting attention to something else, if only for a few minutes. This may involve making and following through with plans for the remainder of the day. It should lead to an activity that will absorb your attention, and that you will find satisfying and enjoyable. Hobbies can be particularly good. For example, you may choose to take a walk, exercise, listen to music, read, play a computer game, or practice a sport that you enjoy. The goal of treatment is to stop responding to the obsessive thoughts and urges, while acknowledging that, for the present, these uncomfortable feelings and urges will continue to bother you. You begin to "work around" them by doing another behavior. You learn that, even though the thoughts and urges are present, they do not have to control your behavior. You make the decision about what you're going to do, rather than responding to thoughts as a robot responds to commands. By REFOCUSING, you reclaim your decision-making power, and as a result the dysfunctional biochemical reverberations of the brain no longer dictate what you do.

 It is important to acknowledge that REFOCUSING is frequently not easy. It can take significant effort and even require tolerance of some very painful feelings. Therefore, it is important to observe the "Fifteen Minute Rule", which basically states that you will not act on an obsessive-compulsive thought or impulse without allowing at least 15 minutes to pass. During this 15 minutes you should work on RELABELING, REATTRIBUTING and REFOCUSING. In time, as you practice this, the process will become easier and will lead to greater reductions in the intensity of the compulsive thoughts and urges. Sometimes, however, the thoughts and urges will be too strong and you may find yourself performing the compulsion. This is not a time to berate yourself for succumbing to the obsessive-compulsive behavior. Simply acknowledge that your compulsion and disorder "won this round", and that your practice will make it more manageable the next time. It is also helpful to keep a JOURNAL of your successful REFOCUSING efforts. This will help to remind you of your successes and to identify which behaviors are most helpful to the process of refocusing. Also, as your list of successes gets longer, it will become inspirational and will be a place you can turn when the thoughts and urges "heat up." Record only your successes. There is no need to record your failures. You will be assisted by learning to give yourself a pat on the back, which is often difficult for people who experience compulsions and obsessions.

STEP 4: REVALUE

The Revaluing step comes into play after much practice of the first 3 steps. After you have had experience with relabeling, reattributing and refocusing - identifying your compulsive thoughts and urges as part of a pathological process - you will begin to REVALUE - actually put much less value on - the feelings that go along with this process. This is further assisted by two substeps to STEP 2: REATTRIBUTION: these are ANTICIPATE and ACCEPT. Anticipate means that you are prepared for the thoughts and urges to recur; you are not surprised by them, and you do not spend energy beating yourself up because you have them. You know what causes them and you work around them. You refuse to let these symptoms shock you, and you refuse to let them become a source of negativity about yourself. Obsessive thoughts and urges may occur hundreds of times each day. There is no need to dwell on them. This is where the second substep, ACCEPT, comes into play. Simply anticipate and accept that you have these thoughts and urges, and do your best to get on with other things. REFOCUSING is like a martial art, and a little like meditation. An obsessive thought or a compulsive urge is very strong, but also quite stupid. If you stand right in front of it and take the full brunt of its power, trying to drive it from your mind, it will defeat you repeatedly. Once you learn to step aside, acknowledging the thoughts as you work around them, you will find it progressively easier to move on to the next thing. You are learning to keep your wits about you in the face of a powerful opponent, an opponent that will also wither and die from your unwillingness to imbue it with attention and energy. Eventually, by taking charge of your actions, you will take charge of your mind and ultimately take charge of your life.

 

Breaking Family Ties That Bind

When we really examine our fears about something, we sometimes notice that the fear we have is not based on our own experience. Often, if we trace our fear back to its source, we find that one of our parents may have handed it down to us. For example, your mother or father may have had an intense fear of lack of money, stemming from their own life experiences. If that fear was not resolved by the time you came into the picture, chances are you inherited it. Meanwhile, you may have no actual experience of lacking money, so being fearful doesn't make sense, and it may even block you from doing certain things you want to do.

Keeping in mind that your parents were only trying to protect you, and that most of the errors in judgment they made were made with the best intentions, it might be time to release this fear symbolically. You cannot resolve someone else's fear for them, but you can decide to let go of it on your own behalf. Whether your parents are still alive or not, it is best to do this in a symbolic way, using visualization and, if you like, ritual. One simple visualization involves inviting your parent to sit across from you in your heart space and sharing your desire to move on from this fear, letting them know that you will not carry it anymore. You may be surprised at the response you get, because it's possible they will be proud of you, grateful, and proud of your courage.

The more we do this deep inner work with our fears, the better we will be able to parent our own children without burdening them with fears that don't belong to them. Some of us will do as much of this work as we can before we become parents, while others will be working on this even as our children become adults. Either way, the effects will be felt, because once we break our ties to the fears of the past, our children's ties to those fears are greatly weakened, so it's important to remember that it's never too late.

 

Feeling Threatened

Most of us have had the experience of being in possession of a piece of truth that we were afraid to share because we knew it would not be well received. There are also instances in which we ourselves have been unable to handle some truth confronting us. This might be a small truth, such as not wanting to see that our car needs repairs because we don't want to pay for them, or a large truth, such as not fully accepting that someone close to us is pushing us away. Usually the truth is evident, and we can see it if we choose, but we have elaborate ways of hiding the truth form ourselves, no matter how apparent it is.

For the most part, we avoid the truth because it scares us, or makes us angry, or makes us feel like we don't know what to do. We often create our lives based on a particular understanding, and if that understanding turns out to be fully or even partially incorrect, we may feel that our whole sense of reality is being threatened. It takes a strong person to face the truth in circumstances like these, and many of us run for cover instead. Nevertheless, we can only avoid the truth for so long before it begins to make itself known in ever more forceful ways.

Ultimately, there is no way to avoid the truth, no matter how painful it is, so the sooner we let down our defenses, the better. When we know the truth and accept that we may have to adjust our lives to accommodate, we are in alignment with reality. At the same time, we can be patient with people around us who have a hard time seeing the truth, because we know how painful it can be. Whatever the truth is, we make a sincere effort not to close our eyes to it, but instead to be grateful that we have access to it.

 

Convince yourself

The most challenging part of any achievement is continually convincing yourself to keep working on it. When you are truly convinced to do it, you will take the necessary actions to make it happen. Give yourself a compelling reason to achieve, stay connected to that reason, and you will indeed achieve. You can be magnificently effective when you choose to be. If there are things you must know, you can learn them. If there are resources you must have, you can locate them. Convince yourself to achieve, and you will find a way. Life unfolds in accordance with your most powerful and meaningful commitments. It is helpful to be able to persuade others, yet the most important person you must convince is you. Unless you sincerely convince yourself, no amount of persuasion of other people will be able to move you forward. Convince yourself that what you are doing is right and worthwhile. Then delight in the fulfilling journey of making it happen.

 

Children Of Mother Nature

A tree that is beginning to grow sends roots down into Mother Earth even as it reaches and opens to the sky above, seeking nourishment from the sun and the moisture in the air and in the rain that falls. In the same way, we can envision ourselves as treelike beings, imagining that we have roots reaching down into the earth, energetic strands that keep us connected. At the same time, the crowns of our heads lift and open to receive nourishment from above. Just like a tree, we seek the sunshine and water we need to survive and thrive. Both trees and people serve as conduits for the intermingling of the opposite and complementary elements of air, water, sun, and earth.

We also share creative ways of growing, regardless of the challenges we come up against in our environments. Trees will even grow through rock, shattering it, in their effort to reach the air and light they need to survive. We are similarly resilient, with a built-in propensity for growth and the conditions that promote it. We find creative ways around the obstacles we confront as we move along our paths, moving toward the light that feeds us, just as trees grow around other trees and rocks as they make their way upward.

Contemplating the ways in which trees and people mirror one another brings us into alignment with the reality that we are part of Mother Nature. Our children, and the trees and their children, will live together on the earth as long as we all survive, sharing the elements and serving together to forward nature's plan. Walking in a forest can be a meditation, the interweaving lives of all living creatures and the planet on which we all take root and reach for the sky.

 

Truly Inspiring.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

God has always been planning things for me'

July 28, 2008

Shobha Warrier

Naga Naresh Karutura has just passed out of IIT Madras in Computer Science and has joined Google in Bangalore.

You may ask, what's so special about this 21-year-old when there are hundreds of students passing out from various IITs and joining big companies like Google?

Naresh is special. His parents are illiterate. He has no legs and moves around in his powered wheel chair. (In fact, when I could not locate his lab, he told me over the mobile phone, 'I will come and pick you up'. And in no time, he was there to guide me)

Ever smiling, optimistic and full of spirit; that is Naresh. He says, "God has always been planning things for me. That is why I feel I am lucky."

Read why Naresh feels he is lucky.

Childhood in a village
I spent the first seven years of my life in Teeparru, a small village in Andhra Pradesh, on the banks of the river Godavari. My father Prasad was a lorry driver and my mother Kumari, a house wife. Though they were illiterate, my parents instilled in me and my elder sister (Sirisha) the importance of studying.

Looking back, one thing that surprises me now is the way my father taught me when I was in the 1st and 2nd standards. My father would ask me questions from the text book, and I would answer them. At that time, I didn't know he could not read or write but to make me happy, he helped me in my studies!

Another memory that doesn't go away is the floods in the village and how I was carried on top of a buffalo by my uncle. I also remember plucking fruits from a tree that was full of thorns.

I used to be very naughty, running around and playing all the time with my friends. I used to get a lot of scolding for disturbing the elders who slept in the afternoon. The moment they started scolding, I would run away to the fields!

I also remember finishing my school work fast in class and sleeping on the teacher's lap!

January 11, 1993, the fateful day
On the January 11, 1993 when we had the sankranti holidays, my mother took my sister and me to a nearby village for a family function. From there we were to go with our grandmother to our native place. But my grandmother did not come there. As there were no buses that day, my mother took a lift in my father's friend's lorry. As there were many people in the lorry, he made me sit next to him, close to the door.

It was my fault; I fiddled with the door latch and it opened wide throwing me out. As I fell, my legs got cut by the iron rods protruding from the lorry. Nothing happened to me except scratches on my legs.

The accident had happened just in front of a big private hospital but they refused to treat me saying it was an accident case. Then a police constable who was passing by took us to a government hospital.

First I underwent an operation as my small intestine got twisted. The doctors also bandaged my legs. I was there for a week. When the doctors found that gangrene had developed and it had reached up to my knees, they asked my father to take me to a district hospital. There, the doctors scolded my parents a lot for neglecting the wounds and allowing the gangrene to develop. But what could my ignorant parents do?

In no time, both my legs were amputated up to the hips.

I remember waking up and asking my mother, where are my legs? I also remember that my mother cried when I asked the question. I was in the hospital for three months.

Life without legs
I don't think my life changed dramatically after I lost both my legs. Because all at home were doting on me, I was enjoying all the attention rather than pitying myself. I was happy that I got a lot of fruits and biscuits.

'I never wallowed in self-pity'

July 28, 2008

The day I reached my village, my house was flooded with curious people; all of them wanted to know how a boy without legs looked. But I was not bothered; I was happy to see so many of them coming to see me, especially my friends!

All my friends saw to it that I was part of all the games they played; they carried me everywhere.

God's hand
I believe in God. I believe in destiny. I feel he plans everything for you. If not for the accident, we would not have moved from the village to Tanuku, a town. There I joined a missionary school, and my father built a house next to the school. Till the tenth standard, I studied in that school.

If I had continued in Teeparu, I may not have studied after the 10th. I may have started working as a farmer or someone like that after my studies. I am sure God had other plans for me.

My sister, my friend
When the school was about to reopen, my parents moved from Teeparu to Tanuku, a town, and admitted both of us in a Missionary school. They decided to put my sister also in the same class though she is two years older. They thought she could take care of me if both of us were in the same class. My sister never complained.

She would be there for everything. Many of my friends used to tell me, you are so lucky to have such a loving sister. There are many who do not care for their siblings.

She carried me in the school for a few years and after a while, my friends took over the task. When I got the tricycle, my sister used to push me around in the school.

My life, I would say, was normal, as everyone treated me like a normal kid. I never wallowed in self-pity. I was a happy boy and competed with others to be on top and the others also looked at me as a competitor.

Inspiration
I was inspired by two people when in school; my Maths teacher Pramod Lal who encouraged me to participate in various local talent tests, and a brilliant boy called Chowdhary, who was my senior.

When I came to know that he had joined Gowtham Junior College to prepare for IIT-JEE, it became my dream too. I was school first in 10th scoring 542/600.

Because I topped in the state exams, Gowtham Junior College waived the fee for me. Pramod Sir's recommendation also helped. The fee was around Rs 50,000 per year, which my parents could never afford.

Moving to a residential school
Living in a residential school was a big change for me because till then my life centred around home and school and I had my parents and sister to take care of all my needs. It was the first time that I was interacting with society. It took one year for me to adjust to the new life.

There, my inspiration was a boy called K K S Bhaskar who was in the top 10 in IIT-JEE exams. He used to come to our school to encourage us. Though my parents didn't know anything about Gowtham Junior School or IIT, they always saw to it that I was encouraged in whatever I wanted to do. If the results were good, they would praise me to the skies and if bad, they would try to see something good in that. They did not want me to feel bad.

They are such wonderful supportive parents.

Life at IIT- Madras
Though my overall rank in the IIT-JEE was not that great (992), I was 4th in the physically handicapped category. So, I joined IIT, Madras to study Computer Science.

Here, my role model was Karthik who was also my senior in school. I looked up to him during my years at IIT- Madras.

He had asked for attached bathrooms for those with special needs before I came here itself. So, when I came here, the room had attached bath. He used to help me and guide me a lot when I was here.

I evolved as a person in these four years, both academically and personally. It has been a great experience studying here. The people I was interacting with were so brilliant that I felt privileged to sit along with them in the class. Just by speaking to my lab mates, I gained a lot.

'There are more good people in society than bad ones'

July 28, 2008

Words are inadequate to express my gratitude to Prof Pandurangan and all my lab mates; all were simply great. I was sent to Boston along with four others for our internship by Prof Pandurangan. It was a great experience.

Joining Google R&D
I did not want to pursue PhD as I wanted my parents to take rest now.

Morgan Stanley selected me first but I preferred Google because I wanted to work in pure computer science, algorithms and game theory.

I am lucky
Do you know why I say I am lucky?

I get help from total strangers without me asking for it. Once after my second year at IIT, I with some of my friends was travelling in a train for a conference. We met a kind gentleman called Sundar in the train, and he has been taking care of my hostel fees from then on.

I have to mention about Jaipur foot. I had Jaipur foot when I was in 3rd standard. After two years, I stopped using them. As I had almost no stems on my legs, it was very tough to tie them to the body. I found walking with Jaipur foot very, very slow. Sitting also was a problem. I found my tricycle faster because I am one guy who wants to do things faster.

One great thing about the hospital is, they don't think their role ends by just fixing the Jaipur foot; they arrange for livelihood for all. They asked me what help I needed from them. I told them at that time, if I got into an IIT, I needed financial help from them. So, from the day I joined IIT, Madras, my fees were taken care of by them. So, my education at the IIT was never a burden on my parents and they could take care of my sister's Nursing studies.

Surprise awaited me at IIT
After my first year, when I went home, two things happened here at the Institute without my knowledge.

I got a letter from my department that they had arranged a lift and ramps at the department for me. It also said that if I came a bit early and checked whether it met with my requirements, it would be good.

Second surprise was, the Dean, Prof Idichandy and the Students General Secretary, Prasad had located a place that sold powered wheel chairs. The cost was Rs 55,000. What they did was, they did not buy the wheel chair; they gave me the money so that the wheel chair belonged to me and not the institute.

My life changed after that. I felt free and independent.

That's why I say I am lucky. God has planned things for me and takes care of me at every step.

The world is full of good people
I also feel if you are motivated and show some initiative, people around you will always help you. I also feel there are more good people in society than bad ones. I want all those who read this to feel that if Naresh can achieve something in life, you can too.

 

 

 

"Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do."

 

Knowing Our Heart's Desire: Feeling Jealous

Jealousy is one of the toughest feelings we come up against in our lives. There is not much worse than this aching sense that somehow life has been unfair to us, while amply rewarding someone else. It’s even worse if that someone else is present in our daily lives, making it difficult for us to get the space we need to feel and heal our pain. We may be jealous of a sibling, a dear friend, or even famous personalities. We may even face the challenge of feeling jealous of our spouse, our child, or one of our parents. Whatever the case, we can normalize our experience by understanding that, as painful as it is, jealousy is a common human feeling.

Nevertheless, it is important that we not revel in our jealousy for too long, feeding it with inner talk or gossip with others. If we do, we run the risk of losing ourselves to its negative power. Jealousy has something good to offer us, though, and that is information about our own heart’s desire. When we are jealous of certain people, we want what they have, and if we are to be conscious, we must acknowledge that. In this way, we discover what we want for ourselves, which is the first step to getting it. It may be a certain kind of relationship or a career. Whatever it is, it is possible that we could create it for ourselves, in our own lives, if we are able to honor our own desires.

Of course, there are times when we cannot heal our jealousy in this way, and then the lesson may be about acceptance and the understanding that our path is different from the paths of those around us. It may be hard to see now, but perhaps it will eventually be clear why our life has taken its particular path. In the end, the best cure for jealousy is the recognition that the life we have is full of its own meaning and beauty, utterly unique to us—a gift that could never be found in the life of another.

 

Miracles!

"Some skeptics say, ‘Oh, the miracles. I can’t accept miracles.’

"Well consider this then. One may drop a brown seed in the black soil and up comes a green shoot. You let it grow and soon enough you’ll pull up a root that is red. Now you cut that red root and you find it has a white heart.

"Can anyone tell me how this comes about—how brown cast into black turns up green with red underneath and white inside? Yet you eat your radish without even thinking of it as a miracle.…Everyday is a miracle—a miracle of life that sustains our hope!"

 

How to Have a Great Conversation with Anyone

The art of conversation takes practice, and is not as hard as you might think. It will take some knowledge, practice, and patience, and you can learn to relax and enjoy a great conversation.

With these tips you will be well on your way to having a good, meaningful and entertaining conversation with anyone!

1. Make a good first impression. Smile, ask questions that require more than a yes/no answer, and really listen. Maintain eye contact and keep as friendly and polite as possible.
2. Listen. This is the most important part of any conversation. You might think a conversation is all about talking, but it will not go anywhere if the listener is too busy thinking of something to say next. Pay attention to what is being said. When you talk to the other person, injecting a thought or two, they will often not realize that it was they who did most of the talking, and you get the credit for being a good conversationalist - which of course, you are!
3. Find out what the other person is interested in. You can even do some research in advance when you know you will have an opportunity to talk with a specific person. Complimenting them is a great place to start. Everyone likes sincere compliments, and that can be a great ice-breaker.
4. Ask questions. What do they like to do? What sort of things have they done in their life? What is happening to them now? What did they do today or last weekend? Identify things about them that you might be interested in hearing about, and politely ask questions. Remember, there was a reason that you wanted to talk to them, so obviously there was something about them that you found interesting.
5. Forget yourself. Dale Carnegie once said, "It's much easier to become interested in others than it is to convince them to be interested in you." If you are too busy thinking about yourself, what you look like, or what the other person might be thinking, you will never be able to relax. Introduce yourself, shake hands, then forget yourself and focus on them instead.
6. Practice active listening skills. Part of listening is letting the other person know that you are listening. Make eye contact. Nod. Say "Yes," "I see," "That's interesting," or something similar to give them clues that you are paying attention and not thinking about something else - such as what you are going to say next.
7. Ask clarifying questions. If the topic seems to be one they are interested in, ask them to clarify what they think or feel about it. If they are talking about an occupation or activity you do not understand, take the opportunity to learn from them. Everyone loves having a chance to teach another willing and interested person about their hobby or subject of expertise.
8. Paraphrase back what you have heard, using your own words. This seems like an easy skill to learn, but takes some practice to master. Conversation happens in turns, each person taking a turn to listen and a turn to speak or to respond. It shows respect for the other person when you use your "speaking turn" to show you have been listening and not just to say something new. They then have a chance to correct your understanding, affirm it, or embellish on it.
9. Consider your response before disagreeing. If the point was not important, ignore it rather than risk appearing argumentative. If you consider it important then politely point out your difference of opinion. Do not disagree merely to set yourself apart, but remember these points:
• It is the differences in people–and their conversation–that make them interesting.
• Agreeing with everything can kill a conversation just as easily as disagreeing with everything.
• A person is interesting when they are different from you; a person is obnoxious when they can not agree with anything you say, or if they use the point to make themselves appear superior.
• Try to omit the word "but" from your conversation when disagreeing as this word often puts people on the defensive. Instead, try substituting the word "and", it has less of an antagonistic effect.

10.  Consider playing devil's advocate - which requires care. If your conversation partner makes a point, you can keep the conversation going by bringing up the opposite point of view (introduce it with something like "I agree, and…"). If you overuse this technique, however, you could end up appearing disagreeable or even hostile.

11.  Do not panic over lulls. This is a point where you could easily inject your thoughts into the discussion. If the topic seems to have run out, use the pause to think for a moment and identify another conversation topic or question to ask them. Did something they said remind you of something else you have heard, something that happened to you, or bring up a question or topic in your mind? Mention it and you'll transition smoothly into further conversation!

12.  Know when the conversation is over. Even the best conversations will eventually run out of steam or be ended by an interruption. Shake hands with the other person and be sure to tell them you enjoyed talking with them. Ending on a positive note will leave a good impression and likely bring them back later for more!

Warnings

• Choose carefully when asking personal questions. You do not want to venture into overly personal issues. Even if the other person might be willing to talk about it, you may end up learning things that you really do not want to know. You certainly do not want the other person to think afterward that you coerced them into revealing personal information.
• Be sincere! Compliments are great, but too much flattery is obvious and will reveal you as being insincere.
• Beware of topics that can be inflammatory - such as religion and politics - and don't venture into them unless you know the person has roughly the same convictions as you, or the circumstances otherwise allow for pleasant discussion. Again, it's fine to disagree and can be nice to talk about differences, but it can also be a quick step toward an argument.
• Try not to argue! You do not have to agree with everything someone says, but you do not have to tell them all about how you disagree. If you feel the need to explain an opposing viewpoint, express it simply and without putting the other person on the defensive. It is better to simply change the subject in a casual conversation than to get involved in an argument.
• Try not to nod or respond with "Yes" and "I see" so much. It might make the person think you are bored and sometimes it may seem like you are rushing them along. Never say anything hurtful or offensive to the other person, this may project a bad feeling between you.
• If it is a planned conversation, try listening to the news in case you run out of thing to say, it is always a good solution.
• Also try not to cut the person off mid-sentence. It seems disrespectful and it makes it seem like what you have to say is more important than what the other person has to say. Let the person finish their thoughts and then continue on with thoughts of your own.

 

Power of Positive Talk - Amazing article from the GREAT ONE Dr. APJ ABDUL KALAM

Power of Positive Talk - Amazing article from the GREAT ONE Dr. APJ  ABDUL KALAM

 

I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong success.
One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so high.

 

My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also noticed us at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did. The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.
I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind, she yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did. fall.

 

My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly.

 

This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen years old, I played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn't get it together at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!" Naturally, I dropped the ball.

 

My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "self-talk." They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career.

 

Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, "Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observe what they do.
Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor. You respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil. Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil.

 

The point is made.

 

If you tell your brain you will "give it a try," you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it or they won't. Either they will be at the party or they won't. I'm brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for pretended effort? You will never hear the words "I'll try" come out of my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a seminar.

 

If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the truth. "Sorry John. I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not. I've got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite."
People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.

 

My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.
These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.

 

Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have internal voices that give us direction.
So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging yourself with toxic self-talk like, " I'm fat. Nobody will like me. I'll try this diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."

 

If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own internal dialogue.

 

Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words.

 

Notice when you or other people use them.

Ø But: Negates any words that are stated before it.
Ø Try: Presupposes failure.
Ø If: Presupposes that you may not.
Ø Might: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener..
Ø Would Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen.
Ø Should Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen (and implies guilt.)
Ø Could Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.
Ø Can't/Don't: These words force the listener to focus on exactly the opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.

 

Examples:
Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the ball!"
Likely result: Drops the ball
Better language: "Catch the ball!"

Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
Likely result: Watches more television.
Better language: "I read too much television makes people stupid. You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more often!"

 

Exercise: Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis or any Toxic self-talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur and change them.

 

Beyond making A Living - Your Life's Mission

Beyond Making A living - Your Life's Mission
 

~ Your life's mission goes beyond making a living. It's deeper, stronger and more compelling than a day-to-day grind.

~ Your life's mission is your burning desire to make a difference.

~ A life's mission isn't only a career. It can be a hobby, a vocation or a pastime. Your mission in life is manifested when you nurture and foster the special talents that make you unique and special.

~ A true life's mission never dies, no matter the challenges or setbacks. When you're living a life's mission you have a burning desire that won't allow you to give up. A mission is like a dream that doesn't go away, it keeps coming back to remind you again and again.

~ A life's mission comes from the soul. It's emotional and spiritual. You know in your heart that it's right.

~ Your life's mission is a part of your value and belief system. For example, if you believe your mission is to help people, you will be miserable doing anything that contradicts that core belief.

~ Living your life's mission is fun. You owe it to yourself to make your life enjoyable. Life shouldn't be a struggle. If it is, you're battling something inside. Your values and beliefs are in conflict with what you're doing with, or in, your life.

Desiring Success

Success means investing time, energy and money into motivating yourself to reach your full potential and live out your life's mission. Your desire for success must be compelling!

Success can mean different things to different people. Success is not only measured by money or material possessions; it is an inner knowing, peace and self-satisfaction.

How do you develop the passion and desire to succeed?

1. Convince yourself that you can and will succeed. It's easier and safer to tell yourself that you can't do something than risk failure. The only failure is not trying at all. Success is a choice.

2. Consciously focus on what you want. Make workable and rewarding goals for yourself. When you accomplish a goal or task, reward yourself. Acknowledge all the achievements.

3. Take one day at a time. It'll only feel overwhelming when you lose sight of all the baby steps you'll need to take before reaching a major goal. The majority of successes aren't achieved by leaps and bounds, but in working your plan one step at a time.

4. Stretch yourself, but don't break. Aim high enough to motivate and excite, but not so high that you become paralyzed with fear. Stretch yourself enough so you're constantly growing and experiencing new things.

Leave your mind open and receptive to all the possibilities.

Passion, desire and enthusiasm are essential for lasting success. If you don't have a well thought out purpose for all of your excitement, it becomes a waste of valuable energy.

 

Your Life's mission is a the glue holding your desire, enthusiasm , energy and

pwesistence in place

Meditation Posture

When we practise meditation we need to have a comfortable seat and a good posture.

When we practise meditation we need to have a comfortable seat and a good posture. The most important feature of the posture is to keep our back straight. To help us do this, if we are sitting on a cushion we make sure that the back of the cushion is slightly higher than the front, inclining our pelvis slightly forward. It is not necessary at first to sit cross-legged, but it is a good idea to become accustomed to sitting in the posture of Buddha Vairochana. If we cannot hold this posture we should sit in one which is as close to this as possible while remaining comfortable.

The seven features of Vairochana's posture are:

(1) The legs are crossed in the vajra posture. This helps to reduce thoughts and feelings of desirous attachment.
(2) The right hand is placed in the left hand, palms upwards, with the tips of the thumbs slightly raised and gently touching. The hands are held about four fingers' width below the navel. This helps us to develop good concentration. The right hand symbolizes method and the left hand symbolizes wisdom – the two together symbolize the union of method and wisdom. The two thumbs at the level of the navel symbolize the blazing of inner fire.
(3) The back is straight but not tense. This helps us to develop and maintain a clear mind, and it allows the subtle energy winds to flow freely.
(4) The lips and teeth are held as usual, but the tongue touches against the back of the upper teeth. This prevents excessive salivation while also preventing our mouth from becoming too dry.
(5) The head is tipped a little forward with the chin slightly tucked in so that the eyes are cast down. This helps prevent mental excitement.
(6) The eyes are neither wide open nor completely closed, but remain half open and gaze down along the line of the nose. If the eyes are wide open we are likely to develop mental excitement and if they are closed we are likely to develop mental sinking.
(7) The shoulders are level and the elbows are held slightly away from the sides to let air circulate.

If we want to colour our mind with a virtuous motivation we need to clear away all our negative thoughts and distractions.

A further feature of Vairochana's posture is the preliminary breathing meditation, which prepares our mind for developing a good motivation. When we sit down to meditate our mind is usually full of disturbing thoughts, and we cannot immediately convert such a state of mind into the virtuous one we need as our motivation. A negative, disturbed state of mind is like pitch-black cloth. We cannot dye pitch-black cloth any other colour unless we first remove all the black dye and make the cloth white again. In the same way, if we want to colour our mind with a virtuous motivation we need to clear away all our negative thoughts and distractions. We can accomplish this temporarily by practising breathing meditation.

Breathing Meditation

When we have settled down comfortably on our meditation seat we begin by becoming aware of the thoughts and distractions that are arising in our mind. Then we gently turn our attention to our breath, letting its rhythm remain normal. As we breathe out we imagine that we are breathing away all disturbing thoughts and distractions in the form of black smoke that vanishes in space. As we breathe in we imagine that we are breathing in all the blessings and inspiration of the holy beings in the form of white light that enters our body and absorbs into our heart. We maintain this visualization single-pointedly with each inhalation and exhalation for twenty-one rounds, or until our mind has become peaceful and alert. If we concentrate on our breathing in this way, negative thoughts and distractions will temporarily disappear because we cannot concentrate on more than one object at a time. At the conclusion of our breathing meditation we should think `Now I have received the blessings and inspiration of all the holy beings.' At this stage our mind is like a clean white cloth which we can now colour with a virtuous motivation such as compassion or bodhichitta.

 

Trusting Spiritual Assistance: Saying Thank You

We may have become accustomed to asking for help from the unseen world—whether from angels, guides, or ancestral spirits—but sometimes we may forget to close our connection afterwards with a thank you. When we connect to these energies for assistance, it is much like a phone connection. Forgetting to close the conversation with a proper “goodbye” is like not hanging up. While that line is still connected, others can have trouble getting through, while in the meantime, batteries are being drained. Saying “thank you” is a way of releasing our concerns into trusted hands and getting out of the way so that the universe’s divine order can work on our behalf.

As spiritual beings, we may talk about “staying connected,” but our connection needs to be with our source. We can plug in and recharge, but we run on batteries in between, and every connection we make utilizes some of our personal power. Even being surrounded by people that energize us has its limits, and at some point we will feel ready to go off on our own to do what is ours to do. Instead of trying to be constantly connected, we can turn to these beings for help in a way that is more like placing an order. We contact them, ask for what we need, and then say thank you and goodbye.

Beings of light don’t require our gratitude; it is an energetic acknowledgement of trust and release that benefits us. When we bring ourselves to a sense of being grateful, we affirm that what we have asked is already done. Then we can move forward with confidence to do the things we are meant to do, while knowing that all will be well.

 

POSITIVE THINKING

POSITIVE THINKING MIGHT EARN YOU A LONGER LIFE
Studies find optimism may be the best prescription for your heart

Generally it's true that optimistic people are happier, healthier, and more fun to be around—when they're not annoying the crap out of you.
Before you punch your upsettingly upbeat coworker or friend in the throat for his rose-colored outlook on life, think again. He'll probably live longer than you.
In a recent study by doctors from the University of Rochester Medical Center, men who believed they were at a lower-than-normal risk for cardiovascular disease suffered fewer heart attacks and strokes than their less-cheery counterparts.
The 15-year study asked 2,816 adult men, all between the ages of 35 and 75 and with no baseline genetic history of heart disease, how they would rate their risk of having a heart attack or stroke in the next 5 years when compared to people of the same age.
Maybe ignorance is bliss. Researchers also measured whether optimistic perceptions of risk might protect people from fear-related coping behaviors—like over-eating, over-boozing, and avoiding the doctor—when told their heart was at risk.
While doctors promote the benefits of positive thought, there are preventative measures you can take to put your heart in your hands: Work out to keep a healthy heart rate; get outside; eat heart-healthy foods like nuts and oatmeal; and keep your cool when times get tough.
And stop getting angry at your office "happy guy." He could teach you a thing or two.