Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)
Jesus spoke these words to His disciples as He was preparing to die on the cross. I had heard these words before but never knew what that peace was or how it felt. In fact there was a time in my life when I didn’t have any peace at all. My life had fallen apart all around me and I experienced a breakdown. I found myself sitting in a hospital wanting to commit suicide. I believed there was no hope for me in this life.
During my hospital stay I met a counselor who tried to reach out to me. She attempted to help me find peace, but all I could do was cry. Each moment of the day was a challenge in itself to just stay alive. The sad part was I had given my life to Jesus 15 years earlier. I had gone to church, said the prayer and believed everything would be fine in my life after that. Now I was learning I really didn’t know the Lord at all, I knew about Him, but He was not truly my Lord and Savior.
One day when I was in the hospital I sat and talked with the counselor. I remember her trying to get me to share all that I was feeling inside. I was unable to do that. I explained to her that if I started to let go of even the smallest hurt I was feeling, that part of me felt like I would break into a million pieces on the floor, right in front of her. She was quick to console me. She assured me I was in the right place. They would be able to put me back together again. I was too scared. My heart was in a million pieces. I wasn’t ready to trust anyone else with my pain. I thought to myself, I am just like the guy in the nursery rhyme, you know, Humpty Dumpty, that even though everyone was trying, there was no one who could put him back together again. I left the hospital after a few weeks still in pieces. I made a decision in my heart to not allow anyone else to see all those broken pieces inside of me. I proceeded to carefully tape myself back together. I told myself that I would protect myself from any further pain by keeping everything I was feeling inside, protected from the world. Little did I know that the same thing I was trying so hard to protect was the same thing I needed to let go of, my heart.
For two years I walked around in depression constantly fighting suicide thoughts. Thankfully I had friends who did know the Lord and even though I didn’t know it at the time they were interceding for me. One special friend urged me to spend time with her minister. I didn’t think it could hurt so we went together to meet with him. The minister took time to explain the love of Jesus. We spoke about anger, resentment, and bitterness. We spoke about forgiveness. I began to see all the open doors in my life where the enemy had room to come in and destroy. The minister prayed with me and for me. He helped me to give those burdens to the Lord. He let me know Jesus was the One who could put my life together again. He encouraged me to read the Word of God. When I left his office I knew something had changed. I knew I was going to be okay.
I began to read the Bible and learn about Jesus and His awesome love. I learned that He came to give us life not to take it away. I learned He was a man acquainted with my sorrows and that he knew what it was to be betrayed. He desired to be in a relationship with me and more than that He desired to put my life back together again. I learned to take all those burdens; all those past hurts and all those shattered pieces and give them to the Lord. I had to give Him my heart and trust that He would care for it with gentleness. And so I did. Little by little, day-by-day I began giving all those broken pieces to God. In exchange He gave me peace in a way I never thought possible.
I am still a work in process and He is still there for me every time I go to Him with another broken piece. I thank God that unlike Humpty Dumpty, I have a King that is able to put me back together again. His name is Jesus and His desire is for us to be at peace both now and forever.
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