Children grow up to become young people. And sooner or later, young people leave home. They may move out to live alone or with friends. They may leave to go to college or to work. Whatever the reason and whatever their age, it can leave you with mixed emotions. You may be relieved at having some time and space, finally, to yourself. Or you may feel at a loose end, as if your whole reason for living had walked out of the door.
You may feel guilty at being happy they're gone - or guilty at feeling bad about it. But it is very necessary that you let your children spread their wings and explore the world around. Here are simple steps both parents and their kids need to take to make their lives more productive, fulfilling and healthy.
For Parents
Big changes are most difficult when they take us by surprise. If your children are unprepared, they may make a bit of hash of it. Get them ready by helping them to manage for themselves. It's never too early to do this - or too late.
Drawing boundaries
Parents need to put down boundaries and stick to them. Children often assume the victim role and say, "I can't do it. I have to live here." Parents buy into this thinking, and then feel guilty because they want to help their kids. When they feed that guilt, they ignore the fact that they are crippling their children's advancement in life.
Five-year plan
Parents should not try to make a life plan for their adult children; this is something they need to devise on their own so they will follow it. Parents can guide and support their kids, but treating them like babies may cause them to regress. They need to be moving ahead and maturing, not regressing into childhood roles. Adult kids should be living as independent young people and making their own way. They need to decide for themselves what they want out of life, and devise a plan to obtain it.
Help them out
There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst." Are you really helping your kids if you're not showing them how the real world works? Parents need to redefine what it means to help someone. Look at your motivation for helping your children. If you are doing it to feel better about yourself, then you probably don't have your child's best interest in mind.
Be prepared
When we talk about loving our children, loving them means preparing them. In the world, your children will have to pull their own weight and make their own way. If you allow them not to require more from themselves, then they won't, and they won't progress. It is important for your children to learn self-sufficiency, develop high self-esteem and be motivated from early on in life. If you are constantly helping them and taking care of their needs, you are not preparing them for the real world, and in fact, you are actually crippling them. It's not fair to enable them for a long, long time and then all of a sudden just put them on the street. You own the problem as well. There's got to be a plan. There's got to be a transition.
For Adult Children
Take responsibility for yourself
Oftentimes it is easier to sit back and let others provide for you, while you get accustomed to a comfort zone. By taking the path of least resistance, you reward yourself with comfort and relief from anxiety that comes from reaching for something else. You may feel safe when you don't attempt to change, but you are sabotaging yourself. You are selling out your happiness and putting up with something you don't want. Require more of yourself.
Have a plan to get on your own
Find a job, something that gives you the pride and independence to be able to say, "I am taking care of myself." Start living where you can get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "I'm a grown person; I'm living on my own and I'm proud of that." Start at an entry-level position if you have to, and then build from there. You need to get whatever job you can, and then build for another job.
Preparation time
Here is how you can prepare your children for that daily struggle
• Discuss with them how you would like to help them, and what they need to do to manage. You may, for instance, agree that their room is now off limits to you, with a few provisons. You'll allow them to keep it as they want, if they agree to put dirty clothes in the basket and bring dirty cups back to the kitchen. If they don't, it's down to them, not you, when they've nothing clean to wear and you can't give them breakfast
• You might also ask that common territory - living room, kitchen and bathroom - be kept tidy
• Take them household shopping so they can see how much everyday essentials such as toothpaste and washing up liquid costs - and how often it needs to be bought
• Discuss with them how you'll hand over the responsibility of managing their own money, little by little. Start by Increasing the amount and making it clear that covers special, non-essential clothes
• If they make a mistake, don't bale them out. Allow them to experience the results of their actions, to learn how to do better. So the first time they blow an entire month's allowance leaving them skint and in trouble, don't rescue them. Being unable to join their friends on a night out is the best way to learn
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